The Fellowship and Friends
by galadriel-evenstar-idril
Summary: The Fellowship and friends (mostly elvish ones) attend a simple adults learning centre to go to school, and see what happens!
1. The first chapter: Faramir throws up

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters in this chapter, and I most certainly don't own Elrond's Captain Underpants watch, obviously he owns it. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Tolkien for LOTR, yes, yes, thankyou very much.  
  
Elrond sighed and looked down at his Captain Underpants watch. They were late as usual. Just when he went to the messengers to tell them to not come anymore, the Fellowship, along with Galadriel, Celeborn, Glorfindel, Faramir, Arwen, Haldir and Eowyn walked in. 'Ah, here you are. And about time, too,' said Elrond crossly. 'We are sorry, Master Elrond, but we did not think your message of much importance,' sniggered Galadriel. Elrond shook his head with dismay as everybody laughed. 'Yes. We do not think we are idiots, as you so kindly told us you were, and nor do we think we need education any more than you do, which was also what you said about yourself,' said Haldir. Everyone laughed again. Aragorn hiccuped, he had obviously been drinking too much. 'The curse of Mordor upon you all!! This is going too far,' said Elrond angrily. 'Nah, mate. Look here, I was the one who got rid of that Saruman guy. You should be thanking ME,' Aragorn said, half-drunk. 'You liar. It's Sauron. And anyway, I was the one who kicked him out of Hobbiton. I dragged him out by his beard,' retorted Boromir, who was also drunk senseless. He and Aragorn spent the whole of last night in the beer section of Elrond's house. His younger brother, Faramir, opened his mouth to say something, but instead a whole lot of vomit came out. He had been trying out some lembas bread but it probably didn't agree with the other food he had eaten before that, like some clay and pipeweed. Boromir laughed drunkenly.  
  
'Yeah, that's it. Bring it all up, little bro. Here, you can use my shield,' he said, offering him his shield. Aragorn laughed as well. 'Yeah, and if you need any help, just call me. That's why they call me Strider the Ranger. Ranger the Stranger, hahahaha...' he couldn't stop giggling. Arwen shook him and slapped him on the face to make him sane again. Everyone started fussing around Faramir. Gandalf used his staff to thump the Captain of Gondor on the back (to get all the vomit out), Pippin offered him some cheese, Frodo started shoving mushrooms down his throat, insisting that it would help, Galadriel shone her phial down his mouth, trying to see when the next bit of vomit came out so she could forewarn Faramir, and Eowyn did nothing but have hysterics and run around the courtyard screaming 'HE'S GONNA CHOKE ON HIS VOMIT, HE'S GONNA CHOKE ON HIS VOMIT, HE'S GONNA DIE!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!' In the end, Arwen had to lead her away to convince her that they were NOT going to drown in Faramir's vomit, and to sedate her before she could commit suicide.  
  
(An hour later)  
  
When they finally realised that Faramir was going to be OK, they allowed Eowyn to come back (sedated, of course) and Elrond proceeded to drone on with his meeting. 'Now, I have been analysing your situations, and you all need some education to ah, freshen your brains up,' he said. 'Not me, my brain's still as good as ever,' said Aragorn, who was apparently still drunk. 'That's because you've got none,' replied Boromir, and the two of them started laughing again. This time, no-one joined in because it was the lamest thing they had ever heard anyone say. 'What?? But we do not hold schools in Middle Earth,' said Gimli. 'That, I have sorted out. You are to go to a school in another Earth, where they have proper teachers and you actually learn something good for your brain.' 'Yeah, unlike you,' said Glorfindel, and everyone cracked up again. Faramir started vomiting again. This time, nobody cared.  
  
Elrond decided to ignore this insult, and sent them all to earth to go to school. 


	2. SALCP or whatever

Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly enough (sigh sigh) I do not own the characters in the story or Middle Earth (they belong to Tolkien –applause). The only things/people are Mrs Bobummi and Mrs Goomsdale, but I do NOT own SALPC, even if some people would like to think I do, I only own rehab, nothing else.  
  
Mrs Bobummi was expecting quite a large crowd today. Sixteen, in fact. She peered down at her list again. These people had very weird names, ones she had never heard of. 'Aragorn son of Arathorn (Estel) Elessar Arwen daughter of Elrond Undomiel Evenstar Boromir son of Denethor (Steward of Gondor) Celeborn of Lorien Eowyn sister daughter of Theoden (White Lady of Rohan) Faramir son of Denethor (Captain of Gondor) Frodo Baggins son of Drogo of the Shire Galadriel Evenstar of Lorien Gandalf the White Gimli son of Gloin of the Lonely Mountain Glorfindel of Rivendell Haldir of Lorien Legolas Greenleaf son of King Thrandruil of Mirkwood Meriadoc Brandybuck of the Buckland Peregrin Took of Tookland Samwise Gamgee of the Shire.' Mrs Bobummi sighed. You got a lot of weird people at the 'Simple Adults Learning Program Centre'. Just then, a large group of people appeared at the doorway. It must be them.  
  
She went over to them and looked professionally over her glasses at them. They dressed strange too, from long robes and trailing dresses to dirty, mud-stained clothes. They were a couple of male weirdos with hair longer than hers, and most of them carried at least some sort of weapon. 'You know that weapons are not allowed inside the building, don't you?' she said. They all looked confused. She sighed. Did these people even have brains? She noticed one of them had vomit stains all down his front. She shuddered. Disgusting. 'OK. Welcome to the Simple Adults Learning Program Centre, or otherwise known as SALPC. I hope you, er, enjoy your stay and benefit from our helpful programs,' she said, trying to smile. Then, she noticed some of them had pointy ears. Even stranger. 'Must be the new weirdo fashion,' she muttered to herself. Legolas caught what she said. 'Sorry? What did you say?' Mrs Bobummi was flustered. 'Oh, er, ah, umm, I said, er, I'm very, umm, glad to meet you all!' she said. Legolas raised his eyebrows. One of them must have had supernatural hearing to catch what she had said. 'In fact, I really need to go now, so, er, just proceed upstairs, and into the first room on your left,' she said, thoroughly confused by this mob of supernatural weirdos.  
  
Haldir grabbed Boromir's arm and pulled him up off the ground, and Celeborn did the same to Aragorn. They were both sitting on the ground, muttering to themselves and talking in gibberish. They went up the stairs and found the room they were supposed to be in. Their teacher had obviously not arrived yet, and the room was crammed with desks and chairs. A whiteboard was on the wall, and there were fans on the ceiling. Not knowing what to expect at their first lesson, they just made themselves at home. Galadriel and Eowyn sat on the window sill, admiring the view with their feet dangling out the window. Arwen was experimenting with the whiteboard markers; drawing pics of herself (she was extremely vain). Faramir was at another window, still throwing up on peoples' heads as they passed by. Legolas and Haldir were practising their archery, with Gimli's beard being the target, while Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin were talking about food and mushrooms and Gollum and Farmer Maggot and Sam's old gaffer and Ted Sandyman and Rosie Cotton and oliphaunts and gardening and ale and Bilbo and who knows what else. Aragorn and Boromir sat in a corner, smoking Longbottom Leaf and muttering and being depressed because they were parted with their beloved beer, and Celeborn and Glorfindel were sitting on the tables, arguing about whose ears were pointier and whose hair was longer and which one of them was more remotely related to Elrond. Gandalf had gone to sleep with his eyes wide open, snoring on one of the tables. Another teacher passing by was totally convinced that the classroom was inhabited by complete retards.  
  
Suddenly their teacher appeared at the door. Her name was Mrs Goomsdale, she was very old and she had a hearing aid. Everyone noticed her, and quietly sat down in the chairs, except Gandalf who was at the back of the room, snoring away happily in his happy land (he was dreaming about chocolate). Mrs Goomsdale walked into the middle of the classroom. 'Good morning, class. My name is Mrs Goomsdale, and I hope you enjoy learning here,' she announced. No-one answered, they all just sat there and stared at her. The first thing, Mrs Goomsdale thought, was to teach this class some manners. For one thing, there was this old guy, sleeping on a desk!!  
  
'Ah, excuse me sir, could you please wake up?' she asked. There was no answer. The open eyes really freaked her out. 'When Gandalf is asleep, nothing but a band of Uruk-hai can wake him up,' said Pippin helpfully. 'You mean oliphaunts,' said Sam. 'No, I mean Uruk-hai.' 'You liar.' 'No, you're the liar.' Pippin tackled Sam and they started fighting and punching and rolling around on the floor. 'Yes, and do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger,' remarked Glorfindel, while all this was going on. 'Yet, it is said that go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no,' added Frodo. Everyone laughed except for Gandalf (who was still asleep), Pippin and Sam. Mrs Goomsdale was thoroughly confused. Aragorn stood up and swayed. 'Umm, my lady? Do you have any beer?' Everyone laughed again. Boromir got up as well. 'Yes, lead us to the place you keep beer. We want beer.' More laughs. Mrs Goomsdale felt indignant. 'Are you trying to be funny, young man? Because I do not see the humour in it.'  
  
'That's funny. Hahahahaha...' Arwen slapped Aragorn on the face again. 'Yeah, when that's funny, it's er, it's funny. Hahahahahahaha...' Faramir tried to slap Boromir on the face, but ended up throwing up on him. Eowyn slapped Faramir on the face for trying to slap Boromir and throwing up on him. Then Galadriel scolded Eowyn for slapping Faramir, and Eowyn started crying. Galadriel and Arwen went to comfort her, while Aragorn and Boromir were still laughing like crazy men (because they were only doing what was natural to them, being insane). Meanwhile, Pippin and Sam were still fighting, and Frodo and Merry and Gimli had joined the fight, even though they had no idea what they were fighting about.  
  
Faramir was still throwing up his lembas bread.  
  
And Gandalf was still asleep.  
  
That left Glorfindel, Legolas, Celeborn. So Celeborn went to comfort Eowyn, while Glorfindel and Legolas joined the fight which now consisted of Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Merry, Gimli, Glorfindel, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir, because they had also joined the fight. Eowyn refused to be comforted by a male elf with hair longer than hers, so Celeborn also decided to join the fight.  
  
Faramir was still vomiting, now back at the window.  
  
And Gandalf was still asleep.  
  
And Mrs Goomsdale was losing her head. Never had she had a class which was as uncontrollable as this one, however crazy this place might be. Most of her pupils just sat there drooling out of their mouths. But this class ... She began tearing out her hearing aid, but slowly went up to her hair, which she tore out full-on, in large chunks. This left her half-bald, and Mrs Goomsdale did not like it AT ALL.  
  
She started wailing and ran out of the classroom screaming about lunatics.  
  
This left the people from Middle Earth having the best (and most action- filled) time of their lives.  
  
Except for Faramir, who was STILL throwing up. He was down to his clay and pipeweed now. Someone had to feel sorry for that guy.  
  
And Gandalf was still asleep.  
  
Please read and review, even if you think it is the worst. I like feedback from my audience, that is if I have one. If you don't review, I will lock you in a room with the insane people (cough cough) mentioned above. So there. !!!!!!!! I hope to upload more chapters soon, tell me if you like long stories because I do, but no-one else I know does!!!!!! 


	3. In Detention

Chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer: Why is it that the characters I own are the ones I don't want to own??? I want to own Tolkien's characters, even though I can't!!!! Anyway, thanks Tolkien, I'm just borrowing your characters.  
  
The Fellowship and friends were sitting in the Principal's office for detention. All of them were looking so glum that you would have felt sorry for them.  
  
Pippin and Sam were injured the most, being the only ones who were actually fighting with a purpose.  
  
Aragorn and Boromir were, sad to say, STILL drunk, and in order to soothe their feelings, drunk some dishwashing liquid they had found under the cupboard. Needless to say, this had absolutely no effect whatsoever on their drunkenness, and they were now hiccuping bubbles out their mouths.  
  
Frodo and Merry were arguing about who had started the fight, even if it had nothing to do with themselves.  
  
Galadriel, Celeborn and Glorfindel, being noble and all, had tidied themselves up reasonably. However, Galadriel's dress was sopping wet because of Eowyn crying on her shoulder, and Celeborn's and Glorfindel's hair was all messy (SCANDOLOUS FOR AN ELF).  
  
Legolas was crying and wailing on Gimli's shoulder because he was so ashamed of what his father would say if he saw him in the company of these people, and Gimli's beard was full of arrowheads.  
  
Eowyn's eyes were extremely red from crying so much, and her lap was overflowing with used tissues.  
  
Arwen's fingernails were multi-coloured, because she had nothing better to do other than colour in her nails with whiteboard markers.  
  
Faramir was STILL THROWING UP (will he ever stop??) his lembas bread (he must have eaten a lot of it), and now had a barrel strapped in front of him at all times, so he had a sort of portable throwing up container that went everywhere with him.  
  
And the principal just couldn't figure out what had happened to Gandalf, so he figured the old man had died in his sleep and dragged him along to the office anyway.  
  
Anyway, they were all sitting there, or sleeping in Gandalf's case, when the principal walked in, looking furious. 'Right. What has happened? What have you been doing to my teachers that make them resign when they look at you? Explain yourselves!!' he said angrily. They all looked at one another, and then all at once launched into explanations. 'He punched me in the eye...'said Sam. 'And he slapped me across the face...' complained Pippin 'He messed up my hair!' yelled Glorfindel. 'I WANT MY ADA!!' cried Legolas. 'WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!' screamed Eowyn; her sedation had obviously worn off. 'Look, sir, are you sure you don't have other coloured markers?' asked Arwen. 'This is the first time I've ever contemplated about cutting off my beard,' muttered Gimli, trying to get the arrowheads out of his beard. 'Hey! I want my BEER!!!' said Aragorn and Boromir. 'HELLO!! Someone here really wants to stop vomiting!!' groaned Faramir.  
  
The principal put up his hand to stem the flow of pointless explanations. 'HANG ON, HANG ON, WILL YOU??' he shouted over all the noise. They didn't bother to listen to him, they were too engrossed in their own rantings to take in anything else other people said, whether they be elf, dwarf, man, wizard or orc. The principal sighed, sat on the desk in a puddle of Legolas's tears and put his head in his hands.  
  
Just then, a dark figure swept into the room and whispered into the principal's ear. He looked surprised at first, but then his face changed into a look of pure relief as he nodded and quickly walked out of the office, leaving behind an arguing group of weirdos, and a sinister dark cloaked and hooded person/thing, and an incredible amount of noise.  
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! I shall leave you all to guess who the dark cloaked figure is! Is is a nazgul? Ohhhhhh, scary. PLEASE read and review, no matter what, through wind, hail, rain or sunshine PLEASE REVIEW. You don't even have to read it, if you don't feel like it. If you don't review, I'll drown you in Faramir's vomit. 


	4. Author's NOte, hehehhe

Disclaimer: I'm not having a disclaimer because I can't be bothered. Anyway, I own everything in this chapter, except for Faramir.  
  
HELLO!!!  
  
Just an author's note to say that I'm working on my next chapters, and that I'm going to upload them all at once, so you might need to wait for a bit, before you get bombarded with the rest of my chapters. I want to have A LOT of chapters in this story, and yes, I will eventually allow Faramir to stop vomiting – that is when I get to it.  
  
Thanks to the peoples who reviewed me!!!!!!!!! 


	5. Another cliffhanger!

Chapter 5  
  
Disclaimer: I own Faramir's vomit, Eowyn's tissues, and everything else Tolkien doesn't want to own. Apart from that, nothing else is mine, apart from the story itself. I invented that.  
  
If the principal had seen the state of his office, he would have probably become traumatised straight away. However, he was at least 100 kilometres away, if not on a plane flying out of the country, wanting to get as far away as possible from the lunatics now proceeding to destroy his office.  
  
The dark hooded figure stepped out into the middles of the office and held up his hand. An icy silence descended upon the room, and everyone stopped doing whatever they were doing and was silent.  
  
Then it spoke, in a chilling whisper. 'You have all been sent here on a task. That task is not done, and you have all failed.'  
  
No-one spoke. No-one really understood what the person/thing/creature had said either.  
  
Boromir was the first to break the silence. He was obviously still drunk. 'Dude man. You gotta let us know who you are first. Man, show us your face,' he said.  
  
The hooded figure slowly turned to face Boromir. He tried hiding behind Faramir, who didn't like people hiding behind him while he was throwing up, so he tried to hide behind Eowyn, but Eowyn didn't want Faramir throwing up behind her, so she ran away and tried to hide behind Galadriel and started crying again. Galadriel thought Eowyn was a real coward trying to hide behind an elf of power, so she turned around and slapped the dark hooded figure around the face, because he was the one who started all this in the first place.  
  
The hooded figure gave a loud 'OUCH!!' and held a hand up to his or her cheek. Suddenly the figure didn't seem so sinister anymore. 'And that's for making Eowyn cry!' she said, kicking the figure in the stomach. He/she fell over and clutched their stomach in pain.  
  
'OK, OK, you can stop now!' they shouted. When Galadriel showed no signs of relenting, and raised her foot again, the figure started panicking.  
  
'OK, GALADRIEL, YOU CAN STOP NOW!! STOP!!! STOP!!!' the person/thing yelled.  
  
Everybody looked around in amazement. The shouting made it clear that it wasn't at least a retarded Nazgul or a deranged ranger.  
  
Celeborn reached down and pulled the person/thing up to their feet. Everyone stared at them as the figure brushed his cloak down in a very business like way. If he had a tie, he would have straightened it. The hooded figure cleared his/her throat and stood up straight.  
  
'Ermm...' the figure looked extremely uncomfortable. Boromir was still trying to hide behind his younger brother.  
  
The figure fiddled with his hands, and then he slowly pulled back his hood. Everyone gasped and stared. 


	6. chapter six mystery revealed!

Disclaimer: Same as usual. I don't own anything, nor do I want to.  
  
I'm not really sure whether I should let Faramir stop vomiting, or whether to make him keep going. What should I do???? Ideas would be nice!!! All I know for certain is that when Faramir does stop vomiting, everyone is going to throw a party in his honour.  
  
Everyone gasped and stared at the figure.  
  
It was Elrond. (AAAAHHHHH, NOOOO, RUUUNNNNN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!)  
  
Everyone looked like they were frozen with looks of surprise and disbelief on their faces. Even Boromir managed to keep his hiccups in. Aragorn wasn't as smart.  
  
'Hey, Elrond!! Long time no see! Come to join us here, have you? That's great. Hey, listen, could you do me a favour? Have you any idea where they keep the beer in this place? 'Cos I really need it now, man, you know? I REALLY need it, man!!' Aragorn stepped up and shook Elrond by the shoulders. Elrond shook him off like a fly. Aragorn, realising that Elrond wasn't going to help him find his beer, sat back down on a desk, grumbling about elves who didn't understand the meaning of 'drink.  
  
Elrond looked around at the stunned faces of everyone, a stern expression on his face and his eyebrow twitching furiously, which always happened when he was under pressure. Faramir was the first to respond, retching another instalment of vomit into his portable bucket.  
  
'Just looking at his eyebrows makes me throw up,' he muttered to the only thing that could be bothered to listen to him, his bucket.  
  
'Yo man, I totally agree, dude!!' replied the bucket in an enthusiastic American accent.  
  
Everyone switched their attention from Elrond to the now-talking bucket.  
  
'You can talk?' Faramir said incredulously.  
  
'Oh sure, man! I've been talking since day one! What, did you think that all I did was carry around your lovely pile of vomit? Oh, no! You've got it all wrong, man! Totally wrong, dude,' the bucket said confidently. 


	7. haldir is best friends with talking buck...

Disclaimer: I am now the proud owner of a talking bucket filled to the brim with Faramir's vomit. Nothing else am I the proud owner of, it's all Tolkien's work.  
  
Everyone in the room was staring at the bucket now, Elrond's eyebrows still twitching as if they were electrocuted. 'Hmm, you know, I can totally understand your situation. I mean, who would like carrying around vomit all the time? A bucket needs the simple pleasures of life, like we all do,' said a voice in the corner. It turned out to be Haldir, who sat there looking as if he knew what it felt like to be a bucket. Elrond's eyebrows twitched again.  
  
'Exactly! That's what I'm talking about! Us buckets need to be thoroughly understood man, you know? We have intricate, complicated feelings, dude, and buckets don't like to be mentally, physically, psychologically, politically, technologically, spiritually, mechanically, terminally, annually and socially undermined just because we don't look as good as other objects. Man, we kinda like to be appreciated once in a while,' the bucket replied with the same enthusiasm. It looked as if Haldir and the talking bucket were going to be the best of friends. Twitch.  
  
'I kinda need a dictionary, what a speech, bucket-dude,' muttered Aragorn, rifling through his 'Complete A-Z Dictionary and Guide for Idiotic Kings', looking for 'psychologically' even though he didn't know how to spell it. He did know how to spell 'beer' however. Arwen rolled her eyes and wondered how she ever got married to him.  
  
Another long silence. Legolas resisted the insane urge to write three full- stops on the whiteboard, and after that put 'uncomfortable silence, rendered speechless by strange un-known object classified as a talking bucket' in brackets. He doubted Aragorn would know half those words. He himself didn't either, they were just the first words he ever saw when he was young, and memorised it ever since.  
  
Faramir was the first to break the silence. Another twitch from Elrond.  
  
'Umm, Mr. Bucket, sir? I was kind of wondering if you knew how to stop vomiting, because,' he retched again, 'I can't really stop myself.' He ended the quite obvious statement with another spell of vomit. The smell was starting to get to everyone. Elrond's eyebrows started twitched furiously, looking a lot like a grandmother's knitting needles when she just found out she only had two days to knit red polka-dot scarves for all her grandchildren.  
  
'Oh sure, dude. It's so easy man, like a child of five could do it. All you gotta do is hold it in, you know?' the bucket said conversationally, quite at ease. And no, Faramir did not know how to hold in his vomit. He tried to swallow and to his surprise, it worked. Faramir finally stopped throwing up lembas bread!!!!!  
  
There was a moment's silence, and then everyone screamed their heads off and rushed towards Faramir, patting him on the back and shaking his hands and congratulating him. Even Boromir managed to say one word before he collapsed from his state of drunkenness-'Finally'.  
  
Sorry it took so long to update, I've been reading too much and writing too little. Anyway, hope you enjoy. 


	8. Faramir's Party

Disclaimer: Same as before, I don't own anything...

Chapter Eight

There was a massive party to celebrate the end of Faramir's vomiting in the principal's office, where everyone's main objective was to get as drunk as they could. They found stacks upon stacks of illegal beer in a spare staffroom, probably owned by alcoholics who had bought them off the Internet.

"Three cheers for Faramir!" yelled Eowyn, holding up her fifth bottle of beer. Everyone else held up theirs and they congratulated Faramir for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Hic, sorry, I think I've had, hic, a bit too much to, hic, drink,' slurred Haldir.

"Yes, as if drinking almost two crates of vodka wasn't enough,' scowled Galadriel, the only person in the room who remained sane enough to stand upright on two feet.

Haldir shrugged pathetically and finished another bottle.

"Nothing else to do..."

"But drinking more isn't going to help either!" she shouted angrily. Her supposedly cool, calm and composed Marchwarden had been acting very out of sorts today. First he became very involved in a conversation with a talking bucket, and now he was out cold on the floor, asleep because he was so drunk!

Well, you learn something new everyday, she thought to herself. So she left Haldir face-down on the floor and went over to join her husband, Celeborn, in a drinking game with Legolas and Gimli, their favourite past-time.

"Hey dude, you know what?" Aragorn happily asked Boromir, ecstatic now that he could finally indulge in free beer. The talking bucket was now perched on top of his head.

"What?" was all Boromir managed to ask.

"I'm happy," Aragorn announced cheerfully.

"Right..." Boromir muttered and slowly edged away while Aragorn turned to Galadriel and told her that he felt so gay he wanted to put on a pink shirt and dance around holding hands with everyone.

Galadriel gave him the evil eye and turned green and ghostly.

Aragorn shut up after that.

His grandmother-in-law was very intimidating at times.

Sorry, very short...I know...


End file.
